How to Become the Trusted and Confident Leader Your Family Needs: Insights from Cody Chapman

Many men today struggle silently with challenges in their marriages, family leadership, and personal growth. They want to step up but lack the tools, mentorship, or clarity to make meaningful changes. In this powerful conversation with Cody Chapman, founder of the Iron Society Brotherhood, we explore how men can overcome their limitations to become the trusted and confident leaders their families need. Cody shares his personal journey from financial struggle to purposeful leadership, offering practical strategies to help men transform their mindset, relationships, and legacy.

From Childhood Wounds to Purposeful Leadership

Cody Chapman's journey toward authentic masculine leadership began in a home where he witnessed daily conflict between his parents. Growing up in what he describes as "a good home, but not a great home," he experienced "yelling, screaming, and fighting" between his parents nearly every night.

"Every single night I can remember, it's the yelling, screaming, and fighting of my parents," Cody recalls. "My dad worked crazy shifts, so I could go four or five days without seeing my dad during the week."

This experience created a powerful resolve in young Cody: "Even from when I was a really young kid, I was like, 'Man, I do not want a marriage like this when I get older.'" Despite not having a healthy marriage modeled for him, Cody knew he wanted something different for his future family.

His spiritual journey began surprisingly early—at just eight years old—when a friend invited him to church. Though his parents weren't believers and never took him to religious services, Cody felt drawn to faith from an early age.

"For some reason I cannot explain other than the spirit of God drawing me... I can remember from when I was like kindergarten, first grade, second grade, whenever I would drive by a church... I would like, kind of to myself, really, really small, [make the sign of the cross] because even from when I was young, I just knew that there was like this larger being than myself."

This early spiritual awareness would eventually become the foundation for his approach to family leadership. As a teenager, his commitment was so strong that when his parents wouldn't take him to church, he would "bum rides" or walk three to four miles to attend services.

Fast forward to today, and Cody's life looks remarkably different from his childhood experience. At 38, he lives in Montana with his wife of 15 years and their six children, ages 14 down to one-and-a-half. Together, they've built a life centered on purposeful leadership, faith, and family values.

The Provider Challenge: Overcoming Financial Struggles

One of the most vulnerable parts of our conversation revealed Cody's struggles with providing financially for his family—a core aspect of masculine duty that many men find challenging but rarely discuss openly.

Despite his commitment to being a good husband and father, Cody faced significant financial hardships that tested his sense of adequacy as a provider. He shares a particularly painful memory of shopping at Costco with his family:

"My oldest is 12, and we have a baby at the time... we're going down to like our last few bucks again because of a crazy work thing that happened. We're at Costco, and I go to pay for all the food—and declined. I thought we had enough in there, and I even checked my phone. The total is just a few dollars over. So I told the cashier, 'Could you take the meat off and then let me run it again?' They take the meat off, run it again, and we're good."

The interaction that followed cut deeply: "As we're walking out the door, my 12-year-old looks at me and says, 'Dad, why did you leave the meat? We need that. We eat burgers and tacos. We need that. Did we not have enough money?'"

This moment crystallized the inadequacy Cody felt as a provider: "I remember going home that night just feeling like the biggest piece of crap on the planet because it was like this thing that came back up again about me not being a good enough provider for my family."

Rather than making excuses or minimizing the experience, Cody used this painful moment as a catalyst for change:

"I remember going home and writing a note, and I was just in tears writing it. I was just describing how it made me feel for my wife to awkwardly stand next to me during that moment and my 12-year-old son to look at me and be like, 'What, Dad, do we not have enough money?' AKA 'Dad, are you not doing your job?'"

This experience led to a powerful resolution: "I will never allow this to happen again. I don't care what I have to do to figure it out. I'm going to figure out how to be not just a provider but a good enough provider to where I can bless other people who haven't figured it out yet."

This honest reckoning with his shortcomings became the foundation for Cody's transformation as a provider. He identified three essential steps in his journey:

1. Getting honest with himself: "I got honest with myself, and I was just like, 'Look, dude, this is not okay. This is the one area that has been your Achilles' heel for years. You need to learn how to do this.'"
2. Finding men who succeeded where he struggled: "I started finding men that are really good at providing for their family and they're the sole providers for their family, and watching their life and figuring out what they're doing that's different than me."
3. Creating accountability: "I hired my brother-in-law, who is a Dave Ramsey certified coach, and I met with him every single week over the phone for eight months because he was like, 'Okay, you're going to—we're going to make sure that you handle, steward, and make money how God wants you to do it.'"

Cody's framework for overcoming challenges in any area of life crystallizes in these three elements: "A high level of honesty, a high level of accountability, and a high level of belief. I think if you have honesty with yourself, accountability with others, and ultimately belief that you can do it, I think you could pull yourself out of almost any pit."

The Mindset Shift: From Distraction and Sedation to True Joy

Beyond the practical steps of financial management, Cody identifies a deeper pattern that prevents men from addressing their challenges: the tendency to either distract or sedate themselves when facing difficulties.

"The two things that I see all men do when they get into low spots is they either distract themselves or they sedate themselves," Cody explains. "You distract yourself with useless, mindless hobbies. You distract yourself with porn. You distract yourself with alcohol, with drugs, with work—being a workaholic."

This pattern emerges because "we don't like pain," and rather than facing it constructively, men often seek artificial sources of joy to replace what's missing in their lives:

"Whenever we want to distract or sedate ourselves, what we're doing is we're looking for an artificial source of joy. Because since our circumstance isn't giving us the joy, because it hurts too much, we're going to go find something else that sparks joy in us."

Cody's solution to this cycle is what he calls "The Unbeatable Mind"—a systematic approach to reframing experiences and controlling your internal dialogue:

1. Take every thought captive: "Taking every thought captive in the original Greek—it's how somebody would go take a prisoner and lead them off to jail. When we have intrusive thoughts come in from an event we experience, we have to literally in our minds take that thought, grab it, and lead it away to where it needs to go."
2. Reframe the experience: "It's how can I look at what's going on differently? What's a different perspective I could look at this at? When I couldn't pay for the ground beef that night, there's one perspective of 'You suck, you're terrible, you're a terrible provider.' Another way to look at it is, 'You got so much opportunity for growth in front of you, bro.'"
3. Believe in redemptive purpose: "You have to have this solid underlying understanding and belief that God works everything together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Because if you don't believe that, then every bad thing that happens to you is just a bad thing that really sucks."

This mindset transformation creates what Cody calls "a dangerous man"—someone who can't be defeated by circumstances:

"When a man can take any gift, whether it's wrapped in the wrapping paper of a trial or a hard circumstance or something really nice—if you learn that you can unwrap both of those things and get things from them for your benefit and for your good from the Father—you become such a dangerous man because there's literally nothing that can happen to you that you will interpret in any other way than being for your benefit and your good."

Creating a Legacy: The Two Exercises That Can Change Your Life

Rather than waiting for a crisis to motivate change, Cody offers two powerful exercises that can create an immediate shift in perspective and priorities:

1. Write Your Eulogy

"Go write your eulogy right now. I dare you to do it without getting really emotional. Write the speech that your wife is going to read about you when you're no longer here, in front of everyone that loved you."

This exercise forces you to confront the gap between how you want to be remembered and how you're currently living:

"Go write it. Because most people, if you go write your eulogy, you're going to realize really quickly you got some crap you got to change in your life if you want these things to be said in truth and not as just a made-up story."

2. Envision Your Last Christmas

"Write the story of your last Christmas. So imagine you're 98 years old, and it's the Christmas coming up, and you're not going to make it to the next one. What do you want Christmas morning or Christmas evening with your family to look like?"

This visualization creates a concrete picture of either the positive legacy you hope to leave or the painful consequences of continued neglect:

"Do you want none of your kids to be there? It's just you and your wife because you're estranged from your kids, and so your grandkids aren't there? Or is it like, for me, we're on our 50 acres with our other outbuildings where all of our kids and their families could come spend the Christmas season with us, and so all of my, not just grandchildren, but great-grandchildren come in the house in the morning?"

After completing these exercises, Cody recommends asking yourself: "What do I have to start to cultivate now for both of those things to be true? What do I have to do? How do I have to talk to my wife? How do I have to talk to my kids?"

This forward-thinking approach creates urgency for change now rather than waiting for a crisis:

"If I keep living my life the way I'm living it right now, if it was Groundhog Day and today got on repeat, would you have that outcome from the way you lived your life today or no? What would your life look like if today got put on repeat for the next 40 years? Would you be divorced and estranged from your kids and really unhealthy and spiritually dead, or are you going to have a thriving relationship with the Lord, a thriving marriage, and a fantastic relationship with your kids?"

Conclusion: The Path Forward for Men Ready to Lead

Becoming the trusted and confident leader your family needs isn't about perfection—it's about honest self-assessment, accountability, and consistent growth. Cody Chapman's journey demonstrates that even without ideal role models or despite significant setbacks, men can develop the character and skills needed to lead their families well.

The path begins with honesty about where you currently stand, continues with accountability from men who have achieved what you're striving for, and requires belief that transformation is possible. By addressing challenges directly rather than seeking escape through distraction or sedation, and by cultivating authentic sources of joy, men can break cycles of inadequacy and build the legacy they desire.

For those struggling with marriage difficulties, parenting challenges, or a sense of inadequacy in any area of their lives, Cody's message offers hope: transformation is possible when you're willing to face the truth, seek help, and commit to consistent growth. As he puts it, "The man who can sit in discomfort the longest will win."

Whether you're facing financial struggles, relationship challenges, or spiritual doubts, the principles shared in this conversation provide a framework for becoming the man your family needs—a trusted and confident leader who creates a legacy worth passing on.